This made me cry...

[compilerbitch]

This did the rounds of my friends on Twitter and LJ yesterday. It's taken me a bit of time to respond to it, partly because I wanted to think a bit first before writing it, and partly because it brought up a surprising amount of stuff.

Firstly, I was amazed to see this. A mainstream TV ad, albeit not English language, for something entirely unrelated to trans issues or civil rights, using that as its central message. This really is something quite out of the ordinary. Previously, I'd only ever seen trans people depicted in a jokey way, or as victims (though, this ad still has a twinge of that). In the past, I've more than once refused to go to see films with a trans theme, because typically the theme is ultimately demeaning to me. I know a lot of people, for example, who loved Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but, fucking hell, do you people have NO SENSITIVITY??? How am I supposed to feel watching that? And, I have, and kind of wish I hadn't bothered. Not an image I'd like to carry with me. I'm not your convenient joke, your convenient minority who is sufficiently non-trendy and disempowered that it's OK to poke fun at me. The permission for that is mine to give, and you don't have it.

So, back to the ad, and my take on it.

She got an apology.

To my memory, that has never happened to me. Not a sincere apology, anyway. The closest thing might have been my parents, after I refused to talk to them for about three months because they insisted on using incorrect names and gender pronouns against my wishes. I got a kind-of lame halfarsed apology that was framed more along the lines of, you know, you being angry about this is really upsetting to us, it's hard for us, you know, and you shouldn't be so mean about it. Too fucking bad. I'm me. Love me or fuck off. Sorry. Oh wait, no, I'm really not sorry, and I'm not going to comfort you when my reacting badly to you being crap to me upsets you.

I cried yesterday, alone, in my office. I cried because I'd never had that apology. I also cried because I'd never had apologies for many things I deserved apologies for, particularly as a child. The teachers who beat me and psychologically abused me never apologised. The children who bullied and terrorised me never apologised. My parents certainly never apologised for not giving a damn. When I confronted them about it, years later, they couldn't remember me ever having difficulties with bullying, even though I frequently came home bloody and bruised. My father has never apologised for becoming insanely angry at me, and terrifying me, whenever I reacted emotionally. My father has never apologised for molesting the three eight-year-olds that resulted in him spending three years in prison, or the effect that that had on me or the rest of my family. My father has never apologised for stealing over 20000 UK pounds from me, or for forcing his way into control of my first business, taking most of the profit and keeping me trapped living with them because I was earning a pittance.

No one has apologised for all the times I've not been promoted, or not hired in the first place, because I'm trans. No one apologised for throwing me out of Oxford at the end of my first year because I was transitioning. No one apologised for trying to kill me, on that train, in 1997, that left me with concussion and PTSD.

All of these little slices of poison, that stole my life-force, that held me back. That, in an ironic, painful and frankly fucking totally unnecessary kind of way, made me stronger than most people would imagine possible.

To the world at large: don't you ever dare ask me to apologise for being angry about this. That power is mine, and mine alone. I'm taking it back. Reclaiming that lost energy, that lost time, that lost love, that lost hope, that lost life-force. You can't have it. Mine.

Comments

[crunchywitch]

Yours. And I am glad for you that you're reclaiming it.

Far-away hugs.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs back*

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

WOW. That's an amazing ad. It brought tears to my eyes, and I'm not trans, just an ally. But it had a lot to say to all of us who are... not the same, and have been treated badly, and are deserving of apologies. Still, I can only imagine how powerful it must be for you who are trans. Amazing.

I'm glad you are reclaiming yourself, and you have an absolute right to be angry.

Thank you for sharing this, and your experience.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

There are many ways to be different, and a few ways you can be more different than others. :-)

[lovecraftienne.livejournal.com]

I not only hear your anger, I've had reason to share it.

I know it doesn't cover what you're talking about, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry (in the sympathetic sense) that you've been so shatteringly poorly treated. You deserve, and deserved, better.

I feel exactly as you do about "trans" movies: I've seen very few. The very outline of Hedwig sounds awful to me. Boys Don't Cry would be triggering, extremely. The Crying Game, same. Whatever the big one was a year ago, everybody keeps telling me I should see, I'm like, why in fuck would I want to see a sad movie that lays out a gentle, Hollywood-ized version of what I've already traumatically experienced once, at risk of my life?

So yah...glad they're being made, not going to watch 'em.

[rosefox]

I started crying at the very first scene of Boys Don't Cry and I think I didn't stop until the end credits. It opens with Hilary Swank looking in the mirror, combing her hair, and in that moment she becomes Brandon Teena, looking in the mirror, combing his hair. I cried and cried because I wanted that so much, to look in the mirror and see a boy, there are no words for how much I wanted that. Now I wear my hair very short (though I still don't look like a boy, quite) and every morning, when I look in the mirror and comb my hair with my little black plastic pocket comb, I think of that scene.

Boys Don't Cry is not gentle or sanitized. It is raw and brutal and utterly heartbreaking, which is entirely appropriate to the story it tells. But that's the flip side of what you're saying: if you've lived that, why go see a movie about it?

(Here via the_xtina.)

[worthyadvisor.livejournal.com]

First: Wow! Kudos to the bank for this ad. Makes me wish I could bank with them!

Second: *hugs* You should never have to apologize for your anger about this. Ever. Reclaiming is good (and a lesson I'm learning really slowly, myself).

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Definitely. :-)

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

That really is a beautiful ad, very understated and elegantly done. Thanks for sharing.

And I think you're totally right about apologies, of course. It's so far outside my own experience I'm not remotely qualified to comment really, but yes, the power definitely is and should be yours. *props*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It's not that I really want or expect apologies, particularly for things that happened a long time ago, it's more that I think it's important to acknowledge this stuff, to let the rage out sometimes, y'know?

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

*hugs* you're amazing and awesome. I wish that everyone could see/have seen that. Or to recognize where they haven't.

[radargrrl.livejournal.com]

I saw the video but must have bleeped right over this post about it. Thanks for directing my attention to it. I know that I've had it easy in my transition in many ways, (and sheer hell in others), but recognize that most people haven't had it that way. This is a wonderful ad. I don't think I've seen any other in that same spirit.

[cyberspice.livejournal.com]

Its made me cry too! A lot of your rant is relevant to me. And if its not being trans its being lesbian. Just today I was spat at for being a dyke. No one has ever apologised.

You, hon, are wonderful and my life is better for knowing you.

Hugs!

(And hopefully see you soon).

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And yes, no one deserves that.

*hugs back*

[redcountess]

It's a sweet ad. I hope you get your apology, you certainly deserve it.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I will never get that apology. I know that.

Actually, the real point of my message is this:

With or without an apology, I'm taking back that power that was stolen from me. An apology would be nice, but in requiring one, I'm giving something away, providing yet another way that I can be hurt or demeaned by its withholding.

[kht.livejournal.com]

It made me cry too. Both the video and your post, though I don't know you very well.

You certainly have a right to your anger. Sometimes I get angry with society and the universe in general for being so broken. Sometimes I think anger doesn't acheive anything, but then if something someone says makes someone think about things in a different way, that is a Good Thing.

I'd be glad to be considered an ally. (I strongly believe that you don't have to be a member of a minority to support the rights of people belonging to it.)

I apologise for not knowing quite what to say, or how to find the right words to say it.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Anger in and of itself doesn't really help much, and actually, it's generally better to let it go. However, in order to let it go, you have to be present to it to start with, or it will just end up buried. This is not a good state to be in, and really, the point of my post is taking back the power, not being angry per se, though my rant certainly is angry.

[lysana.livejournal.com]

Wow.

That ad is wonderful.

And you are very right to claim your anger. I have a backlog of my own owed apologies and threats in my life, for different reasons. It's a step toward healing when you refuse to reject the right to react.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

It's a step toward healing when you refuse to reject the right to react.

Definitely.

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

I cannot watch the video right now, as I have a cute sleeping Finn in the lounge downstairs and I don't want to wake her.

But I just wanted to say that you are fantastic, and I'm so sorry you've been through so much shit. And so impressed that you are claiming that anger and that power.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And nice to hear from you. :-)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

you rock. And I value you immensely as both a friend and colleague. And even so, I apologize for the times I've fallen short. I get it. And I'd trust you at my back, bears notwithstanding.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

It really means a lot. Truly.

[fanf]

Wow, thanks for the amazing post.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :-)

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Wow. I haven't watched the video yet, but this is a very powerful post.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[kindredsgirl.livejournal.com]

OK. . . . I'm tearing up too.

I want to bank with Banco Cambio!

L

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Hell yes!

[chinders.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I was pretty flabbergasted when I saw that ad, too. To be honest, I'm nowhere near cognizant enough of trans issues, but I'm aware enough to know that the issue is very, very rarely recognized in the mainstream.

Thank you for giving your story. I can't believe all the shit you've been through, although your comment about being stronger through hardship resonates with me bigtime.

Thank you.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

The mainstream rarely likes to look at itself in the mirror, and not look away. Unfortunately.

But yes, thank you. :-)

[pete23.livejournal.com]

Yours. Keep going.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[zpdiduda.livejournal.com]

The ad rocks.

You rock.

Thank you so much for sharing both.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

What an amazing ad. I'm sorry for all the crap you've endured, I think you're great.

FWIW, my contact with you has opened my eyes a bit.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to have been some kind of service!

(even if I did it by being a bad example, a counterexample, a corner case, an object lesson in what-not-to-do...) :-)

[arkady.livejournal.com]

Yours.

Someone very important to me is about to start transitioning; I do worry for all the prejudice she is about to encounter in her new life. Thankfully she has a supportive mother who recognises that in losing a son, she gains a daughter; and she has a very good GP. But I'm not sure just how fully she comprehends the negativity she is about to start facing.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

It *will* be hard. But, for me, it was a death-or-cake choice, because I knew I wasn't going to last long by attempting to stay in denial.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

*cries*

[foxypinkninja.livejournal.com]

We have talked about your pain and anger before. In fact we shared both our common pasts. I had seen the ad quite awhile ago. It made me cry back then. I was so taken back by it. I am happy you own your anger, I need to as well. hugs

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You need to know your enemy to defeat your enemy. But, you know that better than anyone. *hugs*

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

This is a moving ad, a moving post, and you are seriously amazing.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

(Nice to see you :-) )

Thanks, I appreciate it.

[jmtkalcich.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine it being any other way, the Sarah is the best as herself, that's why we love her.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Awwww!

Me neither, actually. I don't *do* living lies.

[erisian-fields.livejournal.com]

I might not understand the drive to change something so deep/intrinsic/complicated about oneself, but I understand even less the people whose fear and utter disconnection to their own humanity would permit them to treat you (or anyone) that way.

I have the biggest brain crush on you ever. Your history makes you fascinating, so does your present, and your future. It's about you. What you look like is window dressing to who you are, and you're pretty nifty. I wish I could get the chance to spend more time with you.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

get her to do math with you. seriously. she will break your brain and make you like it.

it's like another kind of art.