This made me cry...

[compilerbitch]

This did the rounds of my friends on Twitter and LJ yesterday. It's taken me a bit of time to respond to it, partly because I wanted to think a bit first before writing it, and partly because it brought up a surprising amount of stuff.

Firstly, I was amazed to see this. A mainstream TV ad, albeit not English language, for something entirely unrelated to trans issues or civil rights, using that as its central message. This really is something quite out of the ordinary. Previously, I'd only ever seen trans people depicted in a jokey way, or as victims (though, this ad still has a twinge of that). In the past, I've more than once refused to go to see films with a trans theme, because typically the theme is ultimately demeaning to me. I know a lot of people, for example, who loved Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but, fucking hell, do you people have NO SENSITIVITY??? How am I supposed to feel watching that? And, I have, and kind of wish I hadn't bothered. Not an image I'd like to carry with me. I'm not your convenient joke, your convenient minority who is sufficiently non-trendy and disempowered that it's OK to poke fun at me. The permission for that is mine to give, and you don't have it.

So, back to the ad, and my take on it.

She got an apology.

To my memory, that has never happened to me. Not a sincere apology, anyway. The closest thing might have been my parents, after I refused to talk to them for about three months because they insisted on using incorrect names and gender pronouns against my wishes. I got a kind-of lame halfarsed apology that was framed more along the lines of, you know, you being angry about this is really upsetting to us, it's hard for us, you know, and you shouldn't be so mean about it. Too fucking bad. I'm me. Love me or fuck off. Sorry. Oh wait, no, I'm really not sorry, and I'm not going to comfort you when my reacting badly to you being crap to me upsets you.

I cried yesterday, alone, in my office. I cried because I'd never had that apology. I also cried because I'd never had apologies for many things I deserved apologies for, particularly as a child. The teachers who beat me and psychologically abused me never apologised. The children who bullied and terrorised me never apologised. My parents certainly never apologised for not giving a damn. When I confronted them about it, years later, they couldn't remember me ever having difficulties with bullying, even though I frequently came home bloody and bruised. My father has never apologised for becoming insanely angry at me, and terrifying me, whenever I reacted emotionally. My father has never apologised for molesting the three eight-year-olds that resulted in him spending three years in prison, or the effect that that had on me or the rest of my family. My father has never apologised for stealing over 20000 UK pounds from me, or for forcing his way into control of my first business, taking most of the profit and keeping me trapped living with them because I was earning a pittance.

No one has apologised for all the times I've not been promoted, or not hired in the first place, because I'm trans. No one apologised for throwing me out of Oxford at the end of my first year because I was transitioning. No one apologised for trying to kill me, on that train, in 1997, that left me with concussion and PTSD.

All of these little slices of poison, that stole my life-force, that held me back. That, in an ironic, painful and frankly fucking totally unnecessary kind of way, made me stronger than most people would imagine possible.

To the world at large: don't you ever dare ask me to apologise for being angry about this. That power is mine, and mine alone. I'm taking it back. Reclaiming that lost energy, that lost time, that lost love, that lost hope, that lost life-force. You can't have it. Mine.

Comments

[my-mundane-life.livejournal.com]

Loving that ad. Almost made me cry too. Wow.
I hate the way trans people are portrayed in ads too and I really hope things can change towards more like this.
*hugs* and I hope this has in some way helped you move on from your lack of apologies.

[sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

Going from freaks and punch lines to objects of pity. woo! :-/

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

It made me cry too. I don't have ... I don't have words.

And yes, *yours*.

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

PS: Amazing post. Thank you.

[eriktrips.livejournal.com]

sign me on to this. you are absofsckinglutely right. where the hell are our apologies?

I'm sorry you've been through all this, even if I can't stand in for these people and make their apologies for them. but sometimes I think all we can do is find friends and chosen family willing to be angry on our behalf to stand with us.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. It hurts that I lost most of my family when I transitioned, but, frankly, most of them behaved like assholes toward me beforehand, so I have not really actually lost much of benefit. Still, being dropped does hurt. I'd like *that* back too.

[gentle-gamer.livejournal.com]

...

word.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Definitely. *hug*

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

i thought of you when i saw that ad. very powerful, indeed. *hug*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs back*

[lobolance.livejournal.com]

That ad is amazing. Thanks for sharing it and your reactions. I feel similarly. I kidna can't imagine anyone apologizing. First I'd've had to have been seen. ;)

And it also brings to mind something I've been thinking about... once we make it through, reclaim our anger (and hence our power), quit apologizing for our right to exist... what does wholeness look like? How do we let go of our pain, when it has been part of our self-definition? It's on my mind.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

you ask some good questions.

I don't know how one lets go of pain. I don't know how that flow happens. I have tried to let go of certain pain prematurely. It didn't work. It seriously didn't work. But how does one develop the mental and emotional muscles to do it when it is time?

How can a person imagine the unimaginable? I need to learn that trick.

[lexica510.livejournal.com]

That was... amazing. Thank you for posting it.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

[shaix.livejournal.com]

It's a lovely ad! Sadly, it would never, ever happen in real life, though. Even if he realized what he had done wrong, he would have been too ashamed to apologize. Few people are willing to admit it when they've been wrong, and those few people aren't generally asinine enough to treat someone poorly because they're different. Still, it's a gorgeous ad, and very emotionally evocative.

I'm really impressed with this post (and with you, of course), and you are obviously perfectly entitled to be angry and to take back your energy and use it as you feel best serves you.

Go you! ::hugs::

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

After seeing the ad... so much came up for me, I just couldn't stay silent. I've mostly not posted anything like this, nothing that outs me significantly anyway, in an unlocked post, but I hit the, fuck it, doing it anyway point. Not hiding any longer!

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

*nods*

*hugs*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-)

[pplfichi.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Tears...

Sadly the apologies are so rare, and willingness to open up to challenge your preconceptions, understand and try to accept more so. People seem to fight hard to stay in them and damn anything that stands in their way.

But yes. Reclaim and continue to grow. Because you can and should and stuff.

*distant hugs*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Yes, fighting the everyone's-a-bloody-expert syndrome is hard. Everyone has an opinion about trans people, regardless of whether they really have anything on which to base it. And, at that, generally a strong opinion, often negative. That's the base line we have to start with, so the only real option is to be out there, being visibly happy, together, worthwhile and functional, right in their faces, without their permission, and without apology.

[sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

Trannies taking over the world!! Demanding to get services from banks even. wtf

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Gosh! What a concept? That we might actually be, you know, people and stuff? Who can be scammed just as easily as the rest of them. Who knew?

;)

[sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

In my experience human rights is just a façade that companies and power structures put on to look and feel good. In reality, shit will always happen to dehumanized demographics like us, and privileged people will get away with it. Maybe I'm jaded and cynical from my own experiences of seeing my human rights being discriminated and the perpetrators getting away with it and continuing to be celebrated and respected in their communities even after a supposedly unbiased grievance process and settlement in which of course we have to make huge compromises to achieve anything close to dignity or anything back at all.

I guess I have trouble seeing that ad as sincere, as anything more than a bunch of marketing guys saying "hey this would make people feel good and increase our profits among this demographic" while they in fact are authors of discrimination against trans or other people themselves in other aspects of their life.

In ontario they announced relisting of SRS a year ago with much fanfare and "look how awesome we are". I still have to answer questions about being some sort of cross-dressing fetishist and provide pictures of me from 10 years ago to receive health care from the CAMH and maybe be one of the 8 people per year they approve for basic surgical treatment.

I have no optimism of human nature and established castes of society. How do you get over that?

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You don't get over it. You fight it. It's the only way to stay sane. Trying to pretzel your brain into regarding that kind of thing as OK is just not something that is ever going to work.

Your story of being badly treated (in both senses of the word) is typical, and seems to be repeated across the world. In the UK, state funded gender reassignment services exist, but the price is being abused by a bunch of people who frankly have no right to control our lives. I'm done with staying silent on this.

And yes, the ad is insincere. All advertisements are insincere, by definition. That's what advertising *is* -- persuading you to give something (or do something) that isn't entirely in your own interest to the benefit of someone else. But, the message of the advert is something really quite... unusual, and a step in the right direction.

[tshuma]

I just saw this (reading my flist for the first time in a couple of weeks), and I didn't cry, but I was utterly, completely shocked.

Not that someone, somewhere was attempting to make money off of an untapped market (yes, I am cynical about human nature), but that they would air something like this on mainstream television.

An apology. Granted, it still places the transperson in the role of a victim, but the apology, and frankly, the gift were both incredibly powerful things.

Thank you for sharing. That was....incredible.

And absolutely, positively yours.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-)

And yes, what you said. :-)

[xyverz.livejournal.com]

That was a beautiful ad, and wonderful commentary.

It's all totally yours, and even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.:-)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing the ad.

I am glad that you are claiming your energy, your power, your anger. I sure wish that everyone who was ever prejudiced to you would apologize, but I am very glad that you know that you can be powerful without receiving their affirmation of the hurt that they did to you.

Thanks for being you. I know we haven't had a lot of contact but I think highly of your spirit and your talents, your ability to center, and your beauty.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Wow, I am flattered. Thank you. :)

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

I still don't quite know what to say, but thank you for talking about this. You're wonderful.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-)

[jiawen]

Mostly, I want my parents to pay for some of the transition-related stuff they've never paid for, to make up for some of the ways they've made my life worse. That's what I would accept as a real apology. That will probably also never happen, so like you, in the meantime, I'm just trying to make things better myself.

More power to both of us.

(Here via a really cool guy whom we both know.)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Checking our mutual friends list... it seems there are more than one candidate really cool guys who could be responsible! :-)

And yes, power is ours.

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

Awesome advert. And you have every right to your anger.

HUGS

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Indeed, and thanks. :-)

*hugs back*

[zanawake.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this post.

(Our mutual friend nadyalec linked to it on his lj.)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks, you're welcome. :-)

(less than three to nadyalec too)

Yours.

[riseorbleed.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

You are heroic and we are right behind you!

*rests sharpened labrys on my shoulder*


For me the main take-away from Hedwig was relating the "angry inch" to the flesh left behind on my right hand when they took away digits 11 and 12. "Six fingers forward, five fingers left, I've got an angry inch" I sang to myself, though it's more like 3/8"
There's really a dire shortage of feel-good movies with trans themes.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Linked here via Livredor.

Thanks for sharing. Your experiences are hell on earth, but this - yeah. Thanks.

By the way, have you watched TransGeneration? See this post of mine, perhaps?

http://monanotlisa.livejournal.com/851424.html

(I still have the files somewhere, if you like the full version, for trial purposes only, of course?)