Not Trinity...

[compilerbitch]

I got a letter this morning from Trinity. They didn't give me the scholarship (not that it really matters any more!). I phoned this afternoon to see if they were offering me a place -- seemingly, they turned me down. Poo.

Newnham is next in the queue. We shall see how that goes!

I'm not down at all about Trinity -- they were only top of the list because they had the most money and the most studentships up for grabs, as well as offering 3 years of accommodation. I also applied for a scholarship to Newnham, so we shall see what happens there, although as I understand it a lot of colleges get miffy if you didn't post them as your #1 choice. Again, I'm not really bothered if they give me money -- I'm mostly interested in finding a college that will give me three years of accommodation that (ideally) also isn't in the middle of nowhere.

We shall see where this leads. I will post news here as it happens -- thank you again to everyone who has provided hugs and support through this process.

[Now off to the gym!]

Comments

[fluffymark]

Eeep. Good luck with the Newnham application. Not sure how they are nowadays, but a few years ago there was major controversy when they found out that Rachel Padman (a Newnham Fellow) used to be known as Russel. Rachel managed to keep her fellowship, and Germaine Greer (who opposed her) has left there now, so i think they'll be a bit more open minded nowadays.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I am given to wonder if the Newnham/Greer scandal was responsible for the very strongly worded clause in the current graduate prospectus which, to put it bluntly, is a 'Thou Shalt Not Discriminiate Against People of Non-Standard Gender' under any circumstances whatsoever, on pain of having very heavy things dropped on you from very great heights.

I'd already read this before I wrote to Trinity and Newnham (this was before I even asked for application forms for the studentships) and asked them outright if they would discriminate against me. I'm well aware that this was a potentially provocative move. I also, in with my application, included quite a detailed personal biography which 'told it like it is', including describing the serious discrimination problems I suffered at Oxford.

There are two schools of thought here. I could have simply not mentioned the issue at all, hoping that no one would out me during the application process, so I would be judged in an unprejudiced way. The alternative is to be entirely, completely up front and open, in the hope that people will actually be decent about making their choice. I'm well aware that the latter approach is frequently doomed to failure. Nevertheless, I feel very strongly about not forcing myself into hiding -- it was bad enough pre everything coping with pretending to be someone I wasn't, so I'm certainly not prepared to start doing that again now for opposite reasons.

Since my main referee outed me in his reference (he meant well, I'm sure, but probably would have done me more favours by not mentioning it!), there was no real chance of me taking the stealth route anyway, in the unlikely chance of my being prepared to. I went fully in the other direction. (Mark - I've sent you copies of these letters by email, but they are not for public distribution).

It is the easiest thing in the world to think of reasons for not choosing someone in my position. Any number of things, rather than prejudice, can be used as an excuse. Frankly, I prefer it if people have the guts to tell me where to go, bluntly, to my face. It saves time, avoids the emotional weardown of building up and then dashing hopes, and is simply just more honest. It doesn't make the person concerned any less a fuckhead, but at least it doesn't waste so much of my life.

Sorry, I didn't meen to go into a major angst-rant here. I really have no idea whether Trinity's reasons were related to prejudice or not. I probably never will. But I do find it interesting that the person who answered the phone knew about my application in quite a bit of detail, and sounded somewhat embarassed when they told me I hadn't been offered a place (I already knew I didn't get the studentship at that point).

Newnham might discriminate. They might not. They might give me a place, they might not. If you look at this from a game theory point of view, I have to get lucky twice. If they discriminate, I definitely won't get a place. If they don't discriminate, I might get a place. The decision tree is a little biassed against me.

continued...

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Also counting against me is a very nonstandard academic background. I'm up against people who have been through posh schools and come out with vast numbers of A grade GCSEs and A levels, then got a first in an undergraduate degree at Oxford or Cambridge. I, however, left school at 16, didn't do any A-levels, didn't do an undergraduate degree at all, then did a masters as a (not very!) mature student, at a not very impressive sounding poly in North East England.

On my plus side, I have worked as a university lecturer, I have over 20 years experience in my field doing real things, and I actually founded my area of proposed PhD research. I dont know if you know any lattice theory, but if you do you'll know exactly what I mean when I say that I'm not (in the technical sense of the term) comparable with typical Cambridge applicants. I'm not in the same continuum -- it doesn't necessarily mean I'm better or worse, it's just that I'm so different that my case will have to be debated on its own merits.

Nevertheless, my nonstandard background gives a huge collection of potential reasons for not giving me a college place. I think it's probably just as well I've managed to find my own funding, from a non-academic source, controlled only by myself and not in any way blockable by anyone within Cambridge.

Finding out that I've got rheumatoid arthritis last week makes me doubly nervous -- if it gets worse, I might end up with mobility problems that would inevitably be awkward for the college, giving yet another reason not to have me.

Yes, I know that Cambridge guarantees to find a college place if you're offered a departmental place and have funding. I just have a funny feeling that I'll probably end up being one of the very few people who end up falling out the bottom of my 1:2:3:4 choice list and into the 'pool', ending up with a place at the very last possible minute with no accommodation. Grr.

Sorry.

I think I'm feeling a bit negative right now. I went to the gym tonight, but had to stop after about 20 minutes because everything was hurting too much, so I'm pretty down right now.