This made me cry...

[compilerbitch]

This did the rounds of my friends on Twitter and LJ yesterday. It's taken me a bit of time to respond to it, partly because I wanted to think a bit first before writing it, and partly because it brought up a surprising amount of stuff.

Firstly, I was amazed to see this. A mainstream TV ad, albeit not English language, for something entirely unrelated to trans issues or civil rights, using that as its central message. This really is something quite out of the ordinary. Previously, I'd only ever seen trans people depicted in a jokey way, or as victims (though, this ad still has a twinge of that). In the past, I've more than once refused to go to see films with a trans theme, because typically the theme is ultimately demeaning to me. I know a lot of people, for example, who loved Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but, fucking hell, do you people have NO SENSITIVITY??? How am I supposed to feel watching that? And, I have, and kind of wish I hadn't bothered. Not an image I'd like to carry with me. I'm not your convenient joke, your convenient minority who is sufficiently non-trendy and disempowered that it's OK to poke fun at me. The permission for that is mine to give, and you don't have it.

So, back to the ad, and my take on it.

She got an apology.

To my memory, that has never happened to me. Not a sincere apology, anyway. The closest thing might have been my parents, after I refused to talk to them for about three months because they insisted on using incorrect names and gender pronouns against my wishes. I got a kind-of lame halfarsed apology that was framed more along the lines of, you know, you being angry about this is really upsetting to us, it's hard for us, you know, and you shouldn't be so mean about it. Too fucking bad. I'm me. Love me or fuck off. Sorry. Oh wait, no, I'm really not sorry, and I'm not going to comfort you when my reacting badly to you being crap to me upsets you.

I cried yesterday, alone, in my office. I cried because I'd never had that apology. I also cried because I'd never had apologies for many things I deserved apologies for, particularly as a child. The teachers who beat me and psychologically abused me never apologised. The children who bullied and terrorised me never apologised. My parents certainly never apologised for not giving a damn. When I confronted them about it, years later, they couldn't remember me ever having difficulties with bullying, even though I frequently came home bloody and bruised. My father has never apologised for becoming insanely angry at me, and terrifying me, whenever I reacted emotionally. My father has never apologised for molesting the three eight-year-olds that resulted in him spending three years in prison, or the effect that that had on me or the rest of my family. My father has never apologised for stealing over 20000 UK pounds from me, or for forcing his way into control of my first business, taking most of the profit and keeping me trapped living with them because I was earning a pittance.

No one has apologised for all the times I've not been promoted, or not hired in the first place, because I'm trans. No one apologised for throwing me out of Oxford at the end of my first year because I was transitioning. No one apologised for trying to kill me, on that train, in 1997, that left me with concussion and PTSD.

All of these little slices of poison, that stole my life-force, that held me back. That, in an ironic, painful and frankly fucking totally unnecessary kind of way, made me stronger than most people would imagine possible.

To the world at large: don't you ever dare ask me to apologise for being angry about this. That power is mine, and mine alone. I'm taking it back. Reclaiming that lost energy, that lost time, that lost love, that lost hope, that lost life-force. You can't have it. Mine.

Comments

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Definitely. :-)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It's not that I really want or expect apologies, particularly for things that happened a long time ago, it's more that I think it's important to acknowledge this stuff, to let the rage out sometimes, y'know?

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *smiles*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I think it's different for everyone. It seems to be generally getting easier, but generalisations matter little when you're the person who is being crapped on!

And yes, the ad's not perfect (I'd have preferred less gender stereotyping) but hey, it's a first, so I'll cut it plenty of slack for having the right idea.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I'm not requiring apologies (just to make that clear). Though pointing out that I've not had them is something that's important to do.

[pure-agnostic.livejournal.com]

Oh, I understood you did not require an apology. The lack of an apology says a lot more about them than you, so I can see the importance of pointing out that you never received one.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

The hard thing to explain is that there are more than one way to get past something bad that's been done to you in the past. You can basically tell yourself that it's all OK now, and that works to an extent for me, but I find it better to acknowledge that, no, it really was NOT OK, but that I'm not letting that hurt me, and that I'm symbolically taking back what was taken away from me. This doesn't necessarily mean holding on to anger or rage. Rather, I'd prefer to let it go. But, letting go is only really effective if you're quite clear about what you're letting go *of*, and that's where the power lies.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :-)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Hell yes!

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

The mainstream rarely likes to look at itself in the mirror, and not look away. Unfortunately.

But yes, thank you. :-)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to have been some kind of service!

(even if I did it by being a bad example, a counterexample, a corner case, an object lesson in what-not-to-do...) :-)

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

It *will* be hard. But, for me, it was a death-or-cake choice, because I knew I wasn't going to last long by attempting to stay in denial.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

You need to know your enemy to defeat your enemy. But, you know that better than anyone. *hugs*

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

(Nice to see you :-) )

Thanks, I appreciate it.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Awwww!

Me neither, actually. I don't *do* living lies.

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Maybe I should descend on yourself, bridgeweaver and family sometime?

This touches on a whole other rant, for some other day. But, my take on this is that, actually, I've not really changed anything significant about myself. I've done things to my face and to my body such that other people see the person inside, but the person inside is the person who always was. Does that make any sense?

[compilerbitch.livejournal.com]

Hee hee.

There is more to come. Hold onto your seat! :-)

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

The realities are more complex than our words for them; or at least, we don't have a consistent precise set of words that's widely agreed on.

That last sentence of yours is very good; clear, precise, that stuff.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

I'm the same person I was inside at 16, seems like from here. So your explanation makes excellent sense. If I ended up in a body clearly "not right" for me I'd probably feel that was badly not right. Body issues don't SEEM to be important to me, but I suspect if I suddenly had 8 tentacles instead of 4 jointed limbs it would make a big difference, and no doubt "lesser" differences would turn out to be very important too.

[shaix.livejournal.com]

It's a lovely ad! Sadly, it would never, ever happen in real life, though. Even if he realized what he had done wrong, he would have been too ashamed to apologize. Few people are willing to admit it when they've been wrong, and those few people aren't generally asinine enough to treat someone poorly because they're different. Still, it's a gorgeous ad, and very emotionally evocative.

I'm really impressed with this post (and with you, of course), and you are obviously perfectly entitled to be angry and to take back your energy and use it as you feel best serves you.

Go you! ::hugs::

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

*nods*

*hugs*

[pplfichi.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Tears...

Sadly the apologies are so rare, and willingness to open up to challenge your preconceptions, understand and try to accept more so. People seem to fight hard to stay in them and damn anything that stands in their way.

But yes. Reclaim and continue to grow. Because you can and should and stuff.

*distant hugs*