compilerbitch: That's me, that is! (Default)

I am someone with way too many projects. Putting it another way, I have way more projects than time. I can also say that I have more money than time.


Conventional wisdom has it that I should really feel guilty about this. We’re not supposed to start things and not finish them, but this is an inevitable consequence of having more projects on the go than there are hours in which to finish them. Digging deeper into the reasons for this is that it’s all really a consequence of having more interests than projects, coupled with an obsessive personality that requires me to push myself to achieve some level of mastery of everything I do.


It would probably be more psychologically healthy to get better at being bad at things. Being good at things just breeds more work. It sets standards that obsessives like me have to match somehow on every new thing we try. But if I could actually live with being bad at something, then perhaps I could just enjoy doing it, and leave it at that?


Unfortunately though, if you’re not of-the-most-privileged-caste, i.e., if you’re not a straight white male under the age of 30, you pretty much have to be good at everything or people (of all castes, not just the most privileged) will take pot shots at you, figuratively or even literally. It would be nice to just be able to screw up sometimes, to just be able to admit for once that, look, I just have no idea how to Do That Thing. But no, to stay employed I’ve always found I’ve had to be better than just adequate, better than good enough. I avoid competition wherever possible, because ultimately I always am forced to live with either losing or utterly destroying the opposition, neither of which is acceptable to me. To lose, if you’re not of that privileged caste, is all too often to lose everything — something that can not reasonably be risked if you have any responsibility for your own well-being or that of anyone else. To win can be even worse, because being seen to win can make people hate you more than anything you could imagine. I have way too many examples of this from my own life. If I’m forced into a fight, I’ve usually walked away, wherever possible, but sometimes I’ve had to become the warrior that isn’t really the me that I want to know.


So sometimes the way to survive is to accept the need to walk away. The need to leave things unfinished, to grieve their loss and to move on to the next thing.


Sometimes, though, it’s necessary to stand and fight. When someone wants to hurt you and yours, who is prepared to stand between you and your dreams, who will seek to drive a wedge between you and your principles, sometimes it is necessary to embrace the warrior-self and do what’s necessary to not-lose. All this talk of winning and losing grates on me — I don’t really care about winning. All I really care about is compassion and being allowed to extend compassion to others, so when I’m forced to fight I get upset and angry mostly because my ability to be compassionate has been curtailed. I’d rather be a pacifist in all things, but life has never allowed that.


What this ultimately means is that I always have several ‘things-I-could-be-doing’ stacked up, so at any time all I can really do is choose which one to be getting on with. These things, for me, are usually either paying work, creative projects of my own, projects that let me increase my capability of doing something, or self-maintenance. I’m not that great at prioritizing the last of those. I’ll admit — I’m messy and I’ll often leave domestic things undone longer than I should. I tend to prioritize paying work and then things I need to put in place so I can continue to do my paying work. Personal projects kind of slide into the gap. I don’t get as much done in that direction as I’d like, but I suspect I’m not alone in that. I can only pull this off by not finishing everything I start — I don’t typically know at the start of any project where it’ll go, or whether I’ll have the emotional energy necessary to move it forward.


I know that I’m judged harshly for this, but I’d be judged harshly for not doing it anyway, I’m sure. I could have a perfectly neat house, but that would mean giving up on some of my projects that help keep my skills up to the point that I can stay employed. This might sound ridiculous, but it’s fair to point out that, despite decades of experience, several NASA awards and a Cambridge PhD, I’ve been laid off twice in the last year. If I’d not been prepared to go¬†way beyond the call of duty, I’d not have been rehired either of the last couple of times. I survive on the ‘oh-and-can-you-justs’ of managers — I don’t really feel I have the option of not being able to do anything, even if it’s outside my field, even if I don’t have the resources to do it. This is why I have my own electronics lab and machine shop — technically I shouldn’t need either of those things in order to be able to stay employed, yet rarely a couple of days have gone by in the last couple of years that haven’t required those facilities. Consequently, I have to put huge priority on being able to do just about anything related (however vaguely) to my job. Of course, theoretically I should be able to move sideways into another job in the bay area, but doing that would require giving up the one thing that was important enough to me to make me prepared to give up my whole life and move to another country, nearly a decade ago.


I apologise, therefore, to everyone close to me.


This can’t be easy to be near.




Please note: this was cross-posted from my main blog at http://www.mageofmachines.com/main/2015/05/10/queer-of-swords-an-obsessive-engineers-apology/ -- If you want me to definitely see your replies, please reply there rather than here.

#MoMBlog, #Musings, #QueerofSwords
compilerbitch: That's me, that is! (Default)

Wow, this has been a week. Or several. I’ve been quiet for a while because I’ve been buried by our house move. So anyway, movers were booked for last weekend. Sunday, to be specific. They showed up, tutted a lot, initially tried to refuse to take anything, then got told by their boss over the phone to get on with it. They didn’t have a big enough truck and complained that we didn’t have everything quite lined up just perfect tied up with ribbons and bows for them.


Light at the end of the tunnelI have never dealt with such a huge bunch of wusses as regards movers. They were capable enough, actually very fast, once they got going, but oh my doG the whining. They moved a whole truck load, but it just amounted to 2/3rds of our stuff, practically speaking.


Anyway, cut to the present day. Three days later after many hours of sorting out and chucking of stuff, we are now at a point where we are more or less ready for the Wuss Crew to come over and move the rest of the stuff. Gina and I have done many car loads ourselves, moving things that they refused to move last time, like tripods, light stands, kitchen stuff. You know, anything not tied up neatly in a cardboard box with a freaking bow on it.


Gaah. My back hurts (old injury from excessive ATV driving in the Arctic, most likely), my shoulder hurts (this is its hobby, I think, nothing unusual). Oh and we found woodworm in some stuff that was stored in the rafters, so I’m chucking/abandoning anything made of wood that had been stored in there, including a few benches as well as a fairly substantial load of timber. I was going to move this, but I think I’ll gift it to the house owners toward their remodel — they can check it for beetles themselves if they want it.


Speaking of woodworm, if the little nasties are in things stored in the garage, they must be pretty much everywhere in the infrastructure of the house. Not to mention the vast colony of termites under the floor that have reduced the posts holding the house up to the diameter of a human thumb. The place really needs to be torn down and rebuilt, or it will be a death trap in a reasonable sized quake. We were pretty lucky in the last one, I think.


So much for my machine shop and lab. I’ll have to start over from scratch setting everything up, which will be a little frustrating, but I am kind of looking forward to doing some for-real woodworking. I’m intending making shelving for the shop, lab and house, benches for the lab and shop and probably a few pieces of random custom furniture. Any excuse for woodworking is good with me, however!




Please note: this was cross-posted from my main blog at http://www.mageofmachines.com/main/2014/10/29/light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-approaches/ -- If you want me to definitely see your replies, please reply there rather than here.

#DomesticBliss, #MoMBlog, #Musings

Profile

compilerbitch: That's me, that is! (Default)
compilerbitch

January 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3 45 6789
10111213 141516
17181920212223
24 252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Page generated Aug. 24th, 2017 01:00 am

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags